Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Had an epiphany today.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again