The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
she has a point
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.