Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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when you are just born a rebel
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
best review i’ve ever seen
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this