Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
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I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work