People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)