I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference