me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
excuse me
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
i baked you a cake
RT if you could go either way.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY