“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB