Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My typo game is string.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead