My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls