A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO