Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem