Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Sign at work today