saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]