[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
You Might Also Like
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman