You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.