Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.