dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
dude it’s called proctologist
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.