my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
i actually laughed 😩
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.