[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
You Might Also Like
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back