I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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Never be a pizza!
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
A bold strategy
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Basketball
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective