Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
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My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
✌🏽
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year