If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The struggle is real
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy