There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
You Might Also Like
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!