Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
You Might Also Like
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Damn he played himself
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks