wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]