just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Never forget.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
New tinder profile pic
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.