My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
not seeing the problem
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.