How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
You Might Also Like
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.