[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
You Might Also Like
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?