*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.