My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’m literally crying
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier