hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation