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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
それは草
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Who says great literature is dead?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie