My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
This is a bad sign
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will