[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.