Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today