He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
You Might Also Like
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
#Caturday
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers