Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
i hate you platonically
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean