Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
According to math, I’m broke
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon