TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab