Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
There’s always that one guy
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”