Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs