When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day