i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.