[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
me after eating Cheetos
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Finally, an explanation.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.