Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
You Might Also Like
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.