My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.