Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer