Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille